Get Your Braid On

..or, alternatively titled 'Please Don't Die Till I Can Lose 10 Pounds For The Funeral'..



Yowza that's some pretty darn messed-up thinking around body image, weight gain, being 'in shape'.. Where did that saying come from anyway, 'in shape'? It doesnt even make sense! We all have the shape of a human being ( maybe some people a little moreso than others), so whose shape do I want to be in? Historically it's been whatever is currently being defined for me by 1- the media, 2- my mother , 3- myself , 4- my spouse (well for sure if I had one), 5,- my doctor , 6- my job, 7- the media, 8-ummm you get the picture ..

Over the summer, and spending alotta time with alotta relatives- it soon became apparent that I needed to feed my soul. Except my 'soul' bore an uncanny resemblance to something that starts with a mouth and ends with a stomach. So, as the new year begins (all of us ex-school nerds consider September to be the real start of the new year) I am now where I did not want to go with this blog-talking about weight (God how Oprah is this ). But this blog thingy has to be an authentic rendering of Life As I Know It, sooo yeah, my soul is heavy. Literally. Seven pounds heavier than it was, to be exact.

And yes I am ashamed to say that wack as it is (when you think of the true priorities at somebody's passing), for a fleeting moment it actually HAS passed my mind that some random dearly departed's untimely funeral could force me to be outed -aka -humiliated in public in front of a bunch of ex-friends/distant relatives as SO not in shape, oh and carrying a 10 pound sack of potatoes to boot... But that aint no sack of potatoes, honey.Yup it's ALL HERE ( envision me patting my marshmallowy abdomen along with some pretty cool love handles the consistency and shape of well, think Mashed Potato Elephant Ears. The African Elephant type.) Those pesky pounds are programmed to scientifically distribute themselves in the same way they land on me every time- kind of an annoying reminder that um, this has happened more than once to me.. The first zone targetted for 're-contouring' is always the face. Which I can't avoid seeing...but oh how I try. One of the red flags that all is not well in the self- discipline dept is failing to look at myself in the bathroom mirror without tilting my face upward ..and then turning the night light on for that oh- so- forgiving mood lighting. I look fabulous in the shadows.

So what am I gonna do about this? .Well, in those breathy words of Olivia Newton John's "let's get physical" ,exercise is always my default place to start. And this is where the "get your braid on' comes into relevance. Braids are the first sign that you know I'm getting frisky about Life and have got my mojo cranked to haul back some of that power to stop feeding my soul to that IdeservethisNOWdevil. So today I slapped the hair into braids with red ties, affixed my trademark silver hooped earrings, and BAM! Workout Persona emerged, dusted off the gym gear- and it was time to sweat the big stuff. Which I did.

And it felt GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Because of course after that first workout I feel like an elite athlete and probably have already dropped 6 1/2 lbs. I wonder if the 2010 Olympic trials are still taking applicants.


Sometimes we have to get into our body to arrive at a place our mind can't let itself see just yet.

PS. Teaser Alert : So when I got home from the gym, I used that charged-up momentum to register for my own small business for some contract work I may want to do on the side...this meant submitting my top 3 names for the business..I promise that none of those names had anything to do with Braids, Funerals, Elephant Ears or Mojo.

But we'll find out in 3-4 business days which name made the cut...