BAR (becue) WARS- The Thrill of the Grill

So I've been in my 'new' apartment for 5 years now and in all that time have yearned for a barbecue, yet haven't done a whole lot to make that happen, blaming the small patio, the cost...Actually last summer I did buy a picnic-type model but after 3 hrs trying to put it together I discovered there were vital parts missing (and that's not including those in my head ) and I cowardly abandoned the project.

So today I finally went for it and bought a half-decent BBQ, my dream realized. It needed to be red, compact and hopefully a Coleman, to bring back those happy camper memories... and I got a great deal- a Coleman Roadtrip for $ 119 (usual price $200). Now being ' self-assembly -challenged' and having had that recent experience where that $50 BBQ I was trying to build ended up in the city dump incinerator (where I would have liked to have personally flung it and myself), my initial plan was to absolutely get someone else to do it. But in the interest of expediting the process of getting to a home-cooked barbecued meal, I decided to just check out the directions- perhaps these ones would be more simple and all the correct number and size of screws, nuts, and bolts would be included.

So you can imagine my delight to discover ,when I slid the actual BBQ out of the box, that it was for the most part pre-assembled Praise Jeebus! It just needed the legs and wheels set up ,and the propane attached ..No problem. Ahhh but that joy was shortlived as it took me TWO HOURS to put just those pieces AKA This Dang Thing together , with an abrupt detour into 'these legs have gotta be on backwards because I don't think this BBQ is supposed to be dragging its ass on the ground like that when wheeling it away' . Followed by a tag team of tears and the bleating out of very bad words . Repeatedly.

Now I'm no dummy..however my name is Joanie Hoban and I am powerless over my problem with spacial perception. I actually scored 45 % on a university psychometric exam testing that ability (or lack of that ability) in me. You know, the kind of exam that shows you a series of diagrams of flat papers with dashed 'fold' lines and then asks you to match them up with the 3D shape they will become if folded along those lines -be it a cube or a pyramid or a shape that looks like any given Ikea hanging dining room lamp .

So when it comes to assembly , I can actually feel the chromosomes seeping out of my body- along with the sweat- as the experience transforms me into the village idiot, plain and simple. Now,I can embroider and do beadwork to beat the band (and that's gotten me really far in life) but that must originate from a whole other subclass of manual dexterity directed by the nervous system because I actually had to laugh out loud at myself as I watched my hand trying to grip/work a wrench as if it had lost its opposing thumb, only for the wrench to be fumbled offside. And that happened repeatedly as well. Then along come those tiny, short tearbursts of frustration again, peppered by an ongoing voiceover (yes , I say it out loud, for effect) of self- deprecating dialogue .

But , jumping forward to the moral of the story, I got to experience the excitement of seeing my flashy little red BBQ light up on the first ignition, all flirty like it just saw me for the first time and I'm just its type. It delivered the warm rush of accomplishing something that could have been handed off to someone who it comes easily to, but instead taking on the challenge and facing the fear predicted by that self-fulfilling prophecy of a 45% test result so long ago . It really leaves you feeling kinda , y'know, all puffed up . ..oh and another offshoot effect? I got to find out what a 'bushing' is. The hardware kind. Oh dear, I think you better Wikepedia it.

It's not the day you have to manage, but the moment
And it's not the dragon you have to slay, but the fear

And it's not the path you have to know, but the destination

- A Note From The Universe